WASHINGTON – With the recent passage of universal healthcare, a Congressional, bipartisan committee has proposed what is believed to be the most aggressive government program in this nation’s history: Universal oxygen. 

The brainchild of Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter, both men have emphatically stated America is ready to move forward with an aggressive, oxygen plan that is both fair and affordable for all.

Kennedy maintained, “I’ve long been of the opinion we are a nation of hot air blowers.  Hell, look at me, I blow more hot air in one day than most of Hyannisport does running to an open bar at a clam bake.  It’s time people who do nothing but bluster pay for their excessive oxygen intake.”

Specter, who has long championed oxygen preservation, noted “The days of reckless oxygen usage are over.  It’s time the government steps in with a program that addresses all levels of oxygen usage.  I’ve never been one who believes a federal program should be a cure-all for something ailing our great nation.  But facts cannot be ignored:  No one knows better than us the perils of oxygen misuse.  Senator Kennedy and myself believe our plan is revolutionary.”

For more than a decade now, Congress has been toying with the idea of a universal oxygen plan addressing all levels of hot air usage and intake.  The seeds of the plan actually date back to 1993, when oxygen reform was first brought to the floor of the Senate by Senator Trent Lott of Mississippi.  When word reached the White House, President Clinton reportedly told members of his Cabinet “While I am in office, I will veto any attempt at oxygen reform.  No one will limit my ability to blow hot air up this nation’s southern border.  Hillary has been trying to do that for years.”

Now, though, it’s 2009 and universal oxygen may well become a part of our lives.  Here are the basics of the universal oxygen plan:

• Provide acceptable oxygen levels commensurate with population density.  For example, there will be more oxygen available to the residents of states like New York and California than states like Montana and Alaska.
• Families will receive immediate oxygen rebates based upon previous five-year usage totals.  A maximum of four 150-liter oxygen tanks per family.
• An individual who makes more than $200,000 or a family making more than $300,000 are not eligible for rebates. 

The plan does have its detractors.  Senator Harry Reid of Nevada has called the plan “outrageous.”  Speaking at Caesars Palace while on a break from a Nevada tourism photo shoot dressed as a Roman Senator, Reid said “I’m appalled at the idea we would ever have the United States government step in to people’s lives and essentially tell them how much, and when, they were allowed to speak.  Look, I’m all for programs, but one of the very foundations of this nation is the right to blowing hot air.  And let me be clear here: Blowing hot air is significantly, and categorically, different from free speech.  Free speech should never be misconstrued with free hot air.  Hot air might be a facet of free speech but that brings into question the very nature of what, exactly, is free speech as it applies to hot air.  And if I’m in any way not being clear or succinct, I will happily explain everything I just said in greater detail to the very best of my ability.”

It is unclear whether this President, a longstanding supporter of restraint-free hot air usage, will sign off on the program.

In related developments, Congress unanimously passed House Bill 2100, better known as the KFC bill.  Beginning on January 1, 2010, the United States of America will officially be renamed the more streamlined “USA.”  Lawmakers agreed the country’s previous name was simply outdated and too long, lacking excitement and flair.  “With USA merchandise sales down 14% worldwide, something needed to be done,” the bill’s sponsor, Senator Joe Biden of Delaware, said.  “We looked at the ultimate model, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and how they in effect downsized their name to KFC.  What they actually did, though, was make themselves sexier.  That’s what we believe we’re doing.  We’re becoming sexy again.  Now, is there cost involved?  Of course.  There are a lot of important historical documents, maps, textbooks, you know, those kinds of things, we need to change.  But we’ll figure that out over time.”

Also, with the southern border wall nearing completion, it is expected that individual state border wall construction will begin no later than July 4 to coincide with Independence Day.  Senator Barbara Boxer of California said “Individual state border walls are long overdue in this nation.  Quite frankly, we have tried everything to keep those nuts from Oregon out of here.  Now, finally, we have a solution.  This is one of the few things I agree with Governor Shwarzenegger on.  Of course he wanted something a little more drastic but I convinced him a wall might be a better way to go instead of mounting the new RQ4500 laser cannon at all of our border crossings.”

A quick sampling from state government officials nationwide shows almost unanimous joy over state border walls going up.  Perhaps Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty summed it up best.  “I’m thrilled this is finally a reality.  Look at our situation:  Wisconsin is a big, big problem for us; has been for decades.  Sure, we’ve got the Dakotas and Iowa to deal with, but the Sconnies, they’re a nightmare.  Why can’t they just go south?  Go hang out in Illinois.  And don’t get me started on the Canadians.  They’ve been sneaking into Minnesota for years.  They think we don’t know they’re here . . . we know.  We’ve always known.  They come here for walleye.  Ours is better and they know it.  This wall couldn’t come at a better time.”

senator kennedy photo, courtesy the patriot ledger; senator specter photo, courtesy salon.com; president clinton photo, courtesy jfklibrary.com