By Christopher Gabriel, Blog Harbor

When I was growing up, we had a neighbor named Mr. Detwiler.  He was our neighborhood’s official Mean Guy.  He didn’t speak to anyone; he didn’t acknowledge anyone.  At least that’s how he treated all the kids.  And because of it, he became The Guy No One Liked.  It was completely irrational labeling him that way but to a bunch of 12 and 13 year-olds, it was incumbent upon us to pick a neighborhood villain.  And to compound matters, he always seemed like he had a problem with me.  I’d walk past his house, say hello and all he would do was glare at me.  

I decided it was time to stand my ground.  No one had a right to glare at me that way.  Who was he to cause so many problems staring at me the way he did.   

One night, in a very well-planned operation, I rallied a small group of us to pelt his house with crabapples.  Back in the day, that’s what a young teen did as proper retribution for the villainous Mr. Detwiler.  Of the five of us carrying out this misguided mission, he was able to identify one kid:  Me.  I found this out when the police called my house to discuss the situation with my parents.

When my parents asked for an explanation I told them every single, sordid detail leaving nothing out.  You see, of the various things my folks taught me when I was growing up, there was one message above all others they hammered into me:  Always do the right thing.  In our house, that started with being honest.

Although I didn’t do the right thing pelting Mr. Detwiler’s house, I owned up when it was crunch time.  Being completely honest with my folks and the police would involve significant penalties for me but I also knew doing anything else would be worse.  Maybe not in the short-term, but somewhere down the line I’d pay a bigger price.

The police gave me a warning.  My parents handed down a life sentence.  Translation in the language of a 13 year-old:  I was grounded for one month.

In the times we live in today, why is doing the right thing so difficult?  Why is being honest asking so much?

Over the past week, there have been three prime examples of honesty, common sense and doing what’s right tossed aside like garbage in a landfill.  If there is a better 2008 Morons on Parade poster than one that features Jane Fonda, Roger Clemens, Brian McNamee and Kelvin Sampson, Blog Harbor would like to see it.

For very different reasons, all four of these folks managed to make major headlines as we witnessed their own private journeys into stupidity become fully realized.

My favorite from this pool of geniuses was Jane Fonda.  Fonda is going to be performing in a very popular play entitled The Vagina Monologues.  The show has made its way throughout the United States and around the world with casts ranging from unknowns to women like, well, Jane Fonda.  Going on the Today show to promote the production, Fonda mentioned the name of one of the show’s monologues as if she was sucking down a beer after-hours in her favorite bar.  The name of the monologue:  The “C-word” . . . and I think you know the word I mean. 

Is it possible that Jane Fonda is that much of an idiot?  Ok, I get it, she’s going on national television and to get a little pub for the show, to create a little buzz, she blurts out one of the most vile, despicable words in the English language.  I don’t care if it’s the name of a monologue in the show, this was live (on the east coast), network television.  And the host, Meredith Vieira, just sat there and laughed along.  

A few minutes later, Vieira apologized saying “Jane Fonda inadvertently said a word from the play that you don’t say on television.  It was a slip and obviously she apologizes and so do we.”  Vieira’s kidding, right?  When a person truly misspeaks, there is an immediate recognition of the error usually accompanied by a very contrite response.  Fonda looked nor sounded the least bit concerned or embarrassed seconds after saying the word.

It’s not uncommon for the Today show to be on while parents are getting ready for work and their kids, getting ready for school, are close by.  Shame on Fonda for being so utterly selfish, so blatantly ignorant, that she put herself and her show ahead of the millions of people who watch the Today show every morning.  She damn well knew exactly what she was doing and yet thought nothing of blurting out the word.

I’ve not lived a sheltered life and I’m no saint when it comes to language but that word is off-limits.  I don’t know a single woman who thinks there’s anything acceptable about ever using that word, no matter the context and no matter the situation.  And to compound Fonda’s inexcusable folly, her subsequent apology the next day seemed aloof and wholly disingenuous.

Fonda knew where she was at, she knew she was live and she knew there were millions in the television audience.  Rather than show even a modicum of class and responsibility as she named the “C-word” monologue from the play, she turned down Avenue of the Idiots.  Bravo, Jane. 

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, there they were, Frick and Frack:  Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee  speaking before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.  There’s no need to go into detail on this because unless you’ve been orbiting Jupiter, you know if it’s Congress and baseball, the discussion is steroids and trying to uncover the truth.

Amidst all the apparent lies, half-truths, outbursts and “misrememberings” of the proceedings, the entire hearing can be paired down to the following:

Roger Clemens:  “I have never taken steroids or HGH.”
Brian McNamee:  “…I injected Roger Clemens with performance-enhancing drugs.” 

On that very basic point, one of them is lying and one of them isn’t.  My gut tells me Clemens is lying.  I believe Clemens did indeed receive performance-enhancing drugs at the hands of Brian McNamee.

Beyond that, and whether or not this fiasco is ever resolved, I think both of them should run off to a little island, co-author a book and make millions off of it as they laugh at the rest of us.  Listening to hour after hour of their testimony, it started to remind me of the game “Can you top this?”  Just when you thought you’d heard the pinnacle of absurdity from one of them, the other managed to top it.

The iconic Roger Clemens, tied forever to a trainer named Brian McNamee.  Innocent or guilty, after watching last Wednesday’s circus unfold, they really do deserve each other.  Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

And finally, Indiana University head basketball coach Kelvin Sampson. Here’s a guy who just doesn’t get it.  While he was the head coach at Oklahoma, his staff made 577 phone calls to recruits over a four year period the NCAA deemed impermissible.  Sampson himself made 233 of them.  The NCAA penalized him by restricting his recruiting to the OU campus and not allowing him to phone recruits for one year.

But, lo and behold, now in his second year in Bloomington Sampson is apparently in trouble again.  The NCAA released a report last week stating he and Indiana have committed five major violations including improper phone contact with recruits while giving NCAA investigators “false or misleading information.”

Forget about Sampson’s coaching ability.  When you add up his violations resume, it’s hard to imagine he’ll be able to retain his job at Indiana.  What’s even harder to understand is how he broke the rules at Oklahoma, received penalties from the NCAA, came to Indiana and assured everyone those days were behind him and then begins breaking the rules again.  Incredible.  Is there a better guy out there to do endorsements for a cell phone company than Kelvin Sampson? 

It says here he’s fired no later than the end of the season.  And within two years, he’ll likely be on the sideline of yet another major program fully believing his treatment at a phone rehab center was successful.

Common sense, honesty and doing the right thing.  For Jane, Roger, Brian and Kelvin, those are mountains too steep to climb.

kelvin sampson photo, courtesy usatoday.com; jane fonda photo, courtesy cbsnews.com; roger clemens/brian mcnamee photo, courtesy susan walsh, ap

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