Facebook. They’re coming after you. Your neighbors. Your children. Everyone. They are systematically taking over the universe. It was only a matter of time before they reached Earth.
Can you hear me screaming? It’s a quiet scream. A private scream. It’s a cry for help. My life has turned into one of those horror movies where everyone in the town is “One of Them.” And now they want me. They’ll do anything to get me. I’ve been fighting off wave after wave of Them and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.
They Came from Facebook
online no one can hear you scream
~ opens Friday nationwide ~
Did you know one person joins Facebook every three seconds? Or is it three people join every second? Does it matter? Used to be people would greet you by saying now-outdated phrases like, “Good Morning!” Now, I go to my local coffee shop and the first words out of my pal Emma’s mouth are, “Christopher Gabriel, why aren’t you on Facebook?” It’s 8:25 a.m., I’ve been there 10 seconds and it appears I’ve disappointed the first person I encountered today.
But then I realize: She’s one of Them.
My mother-in-law is on Facebook. I have nieces and nephews on Facebook. My friend Kristine is on Facebook. My friend Bruce is on Facebook. The list goes on and on. These are people I hold in the highest regard and yet… they’re lost. They’ve gone to the other side.
No, I am not on Facebook. But I’m not alone. Not completely alone, anyway.
My extensive research has turned up the names of six other people in the world not on Facebook. Mind you, I’m only speaking of our world. I’ll be starting on other worlds next week. And in the event you didn’t know, once you leave earth it’s Facebook Universe. Kirkolias 12 has five people not yet on Facebook Universe. If you’re a Facebook member here, you’re automatically listed on Facebook Universe. It’s complicated, I know.
Those six others on Earth, along with me, not on Facebook:
- Bjorn Lindstrom; Lillihammer, Norway
- Nadev Rasmanji; Bombay, India
- Francois Broussard, Burgundy, France
- Franz Bilkenberg, Frankfurt, Germany
- Ian Gessing, Melbourne, Australia
- Frank Wilkinson, Lincoln, Nebraska
- Christopher Gabriel, Minneapolis, Minnesota
You may be looking at the list and saying to yourself, “Hold on sparky, I’m not on Facebook. Why isn’t my name there?” Perhaps you right. Maybe you’re not yet one of Them. But that’s unlikely. And I would submit it’s time to do some soul-searching and figure out where it happened for you. Where what happened? Keep reading, and I mean YOU, because I’m about to blow the lid off of Facebook.
My research is sound. I’ve checked, double-checked and verified with multiple references and sources that span the globe. Besides me, there are six others I was able to locate. Six. Bjorn, Nadev, Francois, Franz, Ian and Frank. Confused, aren’t you? You’re sitting there reading this and wondering two things out loud to yourself. You’re saying…
- How and why did I come to this website?
- I am NOT on Facebook!
Regarding the first point, your computer has been reprogrammed without your knowledge to ensure you’ll always visit here first (did I say that out loud?). And may I add, thank you for stopping by cgabriel.com. But the second point is troubling. Troubling for you, not me. Facebook may already own you. Every part of you, and you didn’t even know it.
They come to you in the night when you’re sleeping, take you to the mothership and within minutes it’s done. Over. You’re on Facebook. With pictures.
You’re weak, they found you and they preyed upon you. You are now One of Them. You live for Facebook. You love Facebook. You recruit for Facebook. Meanwhile for the seven of us (and hopefully more yet to be uncovered), our willpower has won the day. For now.
A few things that were said to me this week…
- If you were on Facebook, you’d have already seen pictures of my baby.
- You’re not on Facebook? I’ll pay your mortgage if you join.
- Why does Facebook intimidate you? We’re… I mean… it’s a friendly place.
- Facebook is looking for a talk radio host… interested?
- I’ll give you 100 pounds of organic, French Roast coffee if you join Facebook.
They almost got me with the last one. These people – they’re very clever.
The President and Congress are trying to figure out what the heck to do about the economy but, HELLO, we have a real issue on our hands here. Facebook is out of control. It’s followers are growing in numbers at a rate even the Center for ExtraSocialestrial Activity (CESA) couldn’t predict. Pretty soon, you won’t know if the person you’re talking with is One of Them.
The whole thing frightens me. Every person I see on the street, in a car, at the mall, in a restaurant, I wonder: Is he one of Them? Has she come for me? Do you even understand what we’re dealing with here? I do. And I’m begging you, consider what happens when you go to the other side.
These Facebook people – Them – ever seen one without their human “costume?” Here you go.
I’m just one voice. But I’m trying.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The phrase “One of Them” should not be confused with “One of Us.” One of Them refers to a person once he/she has been taken over by Facebook. One of Us refers to Minnesotans discussing themselves, privately laughing at others not One of Them… though a different “Them” than Facebook “Them.”
About the Author: Christopher Gabriel is the host of the cleverly named Christopher Gabriel Program on AM 970 WDAY in Fargo, North Dakota. You can hear him weekdays from 9 to Noon. As a writer and humorist, his work has been been published online by the Chicago Sun-Times, Reuters and publications within the Sun-Times News Group.