The Seven People in the World Not on Facebook

Facebook.  They’re coming after you.  Your neighbors.  Your children.  Everyone.  They are systematically taking over the universe.  It was only a matter of time before they reached Earth.

Can you hear me screaming?  It’s a quiet scream.  A private scream.  It’s a cry for help.  My life has turned into one of those horror movies where everyone in the town is “One of Them.”  And now they want me.  They’ll do anything to get me.  I’ve been fighting off wave after wave of Them and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.

They Came from Facebook

online  no  one  can  hear  you  scream

~ opens Friday nationwide ~

Did you know one person joins Facebook every three seconds?  Or is it three people join every second?  Does it matter?  Used to be people would greet you by saying now-outdated phrases like, Facebook“Good Morning!”  Now, I go to my local coffee shop and the first words out of my pal Emma’s mouth are, “Christopher Gabriel, why aren’t you on Facebook?”  It’s 8:25 a.m., I’ve been there 10 seconds and it appears I’ve disappointed the first person I encountered today. 

But then I realize:  She’s one of Them.

My mother-in-law is on Facebook.  I have nieces and nephews on Facebook.  My friend Kristine is on Facebook.  My friend Bruce is on Facebook.  The list goes on and on.  These are people I hold in the highest regard and yet… they’re lost.  They’ve gone to the other side.

No, I am not on Facebook.  But I’m not alone.  Not completely alone, anyway.

My extensive research has turned up the names of six other people in the world not on Facebook.  Mind you, I’m only speaking of our world.  I’ll be starting on other worlds next week.  And in the event you didn’t know, once you leave earth it’s Facebook Universe.  Kirkolias 12 has five people not yet on Facebook Universe.  If you’re a Facebook member here, you’re automatically listed on Facebook Universe.  It’s complicated, I know.

Those six others on Earth, along with me, not on Facebook:

  • Bjorn Lindstrom; Lillihammer, Norway
  • Nadev Rasmanji; Bombay, India
  • Francois Broussard, Burgundy, France
  • Franz Bilkenberg, Frankfurt, Germany
  • Ian Gessing, Melbourne, Australia
  • Frank Wilkinson, Lincoln, Nebraska
  • Christopher Gabriel, Minneapolis, Minnesota

You may be looking at the list and saying to yourself, “Hold on sparky, I’m not on Facebook.  Why isn’t my name there?”  Perhaps you right.  Maybe you’re not yet one of Them.  But that’s unlikely.  And I would submit it’s time to do some soul-searching and figure out where it happened for you.  Where what happened?  Keep reading, and I mean YOU, because I’m about to blow the lid off of Facebook.

My research is sound.  I’ve checked, double-checked and verified with multiple references and sources that span the globe.  Besides me, there are six others I was able to locate.  Six.  Bjorn, Nadev, Francois, Franz, Ian and Frank.  Confused, aren’t you?  You’re sitting there reading this and wondering two things out loud to yourself.  You’re saying…

  • How and why did I come to this website?
  • I am NOT on Facebook!

Regarding the first point, your computer has been reprogrammed without your knowledge to ensure you’ll always visit here first (did I say that out loud?).  And may I add, thank you for stopping by  But the second point is troubling.  Troubling for you, not me.  Facebook may already own you.  Every part of you, and you didn’t even know it. 

They come to you in the night when you’re sleeping, take you to the mothership and within minutes it’s done.  Over.  You’re on Facebook.  With pictures.

You’re weak, they found you and they preyed upon you.  You are now One of Them.  You live for Facebook.  You love Facebook.  You recruit for Facebook.  Meanwhile for the seven of us (and hopefully more yet to be uncovered), our willpower has won the day.  For now. 

Facebook is ruthless in its desire to own the world.  Orson Welles had his War of the Worlds.  It was the genius of his Mercury Theatre on the Air.  But this is real.  This is serious.  This is Facebook.

A few things that were said to me this week…

  • If you were on Facebook, you’d have already seen pictures of my baby.
  • You’re not on Facebook?  I’ll pay your mortgage if you join.
  • Why does Facebook intimidate you?  We’re… I mean… it’s a friendly place.
  • Facebook is looking for a talk radio host… interested?
  • I’ll give you 100 pounds of organic, French Roast coffee if you join Facebook.

They almost got me with the last one.  These people – they’re very clever.

The President and Congress are trying to figure out what the heck to do about the economy but, HELLO, we have a real issue on our hands here.  Facebook is out of control.  It’s followers are growing in numbers at a rate even the Center for ExtraSocialestrial Activity (CESA) couldn’t predict.  Pretty soon, you won’t know if the person you’re talking with is One of Them.

The whole thing frightens me.  Every person I see on the street, in a car, at the mall, in a restaurant, I wonder:  Is he one of Them?  Has she come for me?  Do you even understand what we’re dealing with here?  I do.  And I’m begging you, consider what happens when you go to the other side. 

These Facebook people – Them – ever seen one without their human “costume?”  Here you go.

Purple Cartoon Monster

I’m just one voice.  But I’m trying.

EDITOR’S NOTE:  The phrase “One of Them” should not be confused with “One of Us.”  One of Them refers to a person once he/she has been taken over by Facebook.  One of Us refers to Minnesotans discussing themselves, privately laughing at others not One of Them… though a different “Them” than Facebook “Them.”

Photo credit: AJC1
Illustration credit: Mac McRae

Filed Under: Christopher Gabrielhumor

About the Author: Christopher Gabriel is the host of the cleverly named Christopher Gabriel Program on AM 970 WDAY in Fargo, North Dakota. You can hear him weekdays from 9 to Noon. As a writer and humorist, his work has been been published online by the Chicago Sun-Times, Reuters and publications within the Sun-Times News Group.

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  1. You are weakening – a good sign… We’ll leave the light on…

    From your very favorite sister-in-law who is one of them…


  2. CGabriel says:

    I’ve always thought of you as a delightful, level-headed, rational, clear-thinking person. And now . . . this news. I’m troubled by your admission that you’ve joined . . . Them. Rather, they took you. I’ll need to think about this for a bit; try and come to terms with it.


  3. Bruce Rowan says:

    Hah: we got you, CG, we got you…


  4. Paul Hassing says:

    Fabbo piece; thanks for the heads up! I was on Facebook and tried to leave. It was like Jonestown. They still have my file. They won’t let me die. Why would they keep it, unless they expect me back? Echoes of the movie Brazil. I don like it. But I do like your writing. Jolly nice work, Cobber! 🙂


  5. Wendy says:

    I’m not one of them (yet) but I think I’m on a slippery slope… twitter, stumbleupon, digg… I think they’re coming for me too.


  6. CGabriel says:

    Paul, these people don’t play games. And your analogy to Jonestown is wholly accurate and quite on-the-mark. Brazil – again, spot-on my friend. Sadly, and you now know this to be the case – you had no chance of leaving. I mean…

    “Leave?” You . . . thought you could leave? Once they get you to the mothership, it’s all but over. Facebook is like the Hotel California: You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!


  7. CGabriel says:

    I’ve been meaning to speak with you about this . . . you’ve been saying “Facebook” in your sleep. The picture is now getting a little clearer.


  8. mac mcrae says:

    Great stuff. What is that famous saying? Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

    But damn those facebookies are cute without their human costume.


  9. territerri says:

    For the record, I’m on facebook; not as Terri-the-real-life-Terri, but as Terri-the-blogger-Terri. I’m going to say this very quietly, so listen carefully.

    I don’t really like facebook. (Shhhhhhhh….)

    Everything I could write in that status bar sounds stupid and I worry that I haven’t updated it for 3 weeks. When I dare to log in, I find that people have “poked” me and I don’t know what that means. There is something called “flair” and I don’t know what value it holds. I don’t know how to work it and I have seriously considered deleting my account.

    But it made people so happy that I’d joined. I’m afraid to defect. I’m afraid!

    Don’t join facebook, for the love of god! Don’t join!


  10. CGabriel says:

    Mac, I have to call it like I see it – damn those facebookies, indeed. BUT…………they really are cute! 🙂


  11. CGabriel says:

    Terri, for the love of everything holy — you’ve been……………..POKED? Be strong, Terri, be strong! Lsten to your inner voice…your inner monologue…your heart…

    But wait – like my friend Paul detailed earlier —- you CAN’T leave!! Ever!! You’re in the social Hotel California!! And this “Poking” – sure, Facebook folk (Them) like to say it’s a technique used to communicate. That’s a bunch of hooey. It’s some sort of mind-control laser beam weapon. They will stop at nothing to take over Earth. When you were Poked, they infused you with fear…fear of trying to leave…fear of defecting. Of COURSE you’re afraid.

    This is more serious than I imagined.


  12. Paulie Black says:

    Don’t worry Christopher. I went ahead and set up a Facebook account for you. Enclosed you’ll find your log in and list of friends already waiting for you…..and then there were 6…..Dear Bjorn, I went ahead and set up…..


  13. CGabriel says:

    I knew it! You’re the Twin Cities Facebook Recruiting Coordinator, aren’t you? To think I just had lunch with you at that Chinese buffet. It wasn’t lunch, it was…a recruiting effort, wasn’t it? And all those people in there, they were all….Facebook, weren’t they? Standing there grabbing some Mongolian Beef, the lady next to me must have needed to be reprogrammed. She just kept muttering “Facebook, Facebook, Facebook…” It was haunting.


  14. crinklequirk says:

    I may be One of Us, but I ain’t One of Them!!

    (here via Paul H. tweet)


  15. sborenbarrett says:

    cgabriel…you can run but you can’t hide…sbb


  16. CGabriel says:

    This means my research overlooked you. My profound apologies….wait, hold on a second….is this a clever cover to lure me in??


  17. CGabriel says:

    sbb, I’ve heard about you. People tell me “…fear the all-powerful sbb…she’s deeply connected to the Facebook mothership…she has a way of directing people to get exactly what she wants from them…”

    Great, now I’m going to be looking over my shoulder for you….but who am I looking for? This concerns me.


  18. PhillyPat says:

    There’s only one reason to join Facebook… to spy on your kids! I joined; but while my children refused to “friend” me I was able to conduct important research which resulted in several spirited discussions with my two soon to be job seeking college age daughters.

    I found it to be a meaningful and rewarding parental experience. 🙂


  19. sawyer says:

    but…….. whats so bad about it?


  20. Mike says:

    Damn… you caught me. I too have been abducted by the dark side. Some people (creatures) at work talked me into joining. I did so, and before you know it, you have a huge network of people who will not let you leave. I might point out, though, that I rarely get on there. I think it is laid out poorly, and all I ever get are these stupid application requests that want me to recruit 10,000 other people. That’s a big reason that I created my website – social networks suck. (But they’re not going anywhere.) 🙁

    Let’s not even get into MySpace. Let’s see you find seven people who aren’t on THERE!


  21. this post sooooooo made me laugh.
    i keep fb manageable by only using it for real life established friends- not networking.
    no prob with applications or flair or poke- i guess my 160 high school, college, family and coworker friends are simple people!


  22. If I ever want to know what my 17 yr old neice is up to, I just go to her Facebook page. She won’t tell me face-to-face what she’s up to because I am TOO OLD and won’t know about being 18. But just go to FB and there she is with purple hair, going on and on about her life.

    Love IT!!

    Please stop by Twitter and add me chews4healthUSA.


  23. CGabriel says:

    Barbara, my 19-year-old niece is horrified at family members having any knowledge of her Facebook . . . what shall we call it . . . her Facebook Persona. What’s endlessly amusing is that she, too, believes all of us (aunts, uncles, grandparents) are just too old, too out of touch, to have any understanding of being her age. I was hatched four years ago at 46 so it’s still a bit of a struggle for me. Good thing I’m not on Facebook.


  24. Yup, I became a fan of Tennessee football on FACEBOOK today. “We are Tennessee!”


  25. […] wasn’t that long ago I wrote The Seven People in the World Not on Facebook.  If you’ve read the piece – and really, why wouldn’t you have read […]

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