I’ve been having doughnut issues lately. In particular, Krispy Kreme doughnut issues. I’ve been dreaming about them, daydreaming about them, openly discussing them with complete strangers, drawing pictures of them and plotting out the driving distance to the nearest Krispy Kreme from Minneapolis. You see it wasn’t that long ago I only had to travel six miles to grab an Original Glazed hot and fresh off the line. And perhaps I grabbed more than just one . . . perhaps it was more like a half-dozen. Yes, I admit it: I’m a Krispy Kreme user of the highest order.
Now, however, we have a problem. Krispy Kreme not only moved out of Minneapolis, they moved out of the entire state of Minnesota. Actually, it was quite a while ago they left . . . without asking me. So my question to the Big Doughnuts in charge of Krispy Kreme: Who thought it was ok to pick up, board up and head out in the dark of night without consulting with me, your most loyal Twin Cities customer, first? I’m waiting, and I’ve got time. Plenty . . . of time.
I’ve been alternating between rage and desperation for months now. That’s what happens when I don’t get my fix. I need my fix. I’m willing to pay for my fix.
And to get my fix, I have to travel 258 miles to Clive, Iowa (which sits just west of Des Moines) to indulge in one of mankind’s great culinary joys. Not 257 miles. Not 259 miles. 258 miles.
I’ve tried other doughnuts but nothing compares. Nothing satisfies the way Original Glazed from Krispy Kreme does.
Oh sure, there are some perfectly fine chains out there like Dunkin’ Donuts and Winchell’s not to mention the bakery departments of our area grocery stores. And each one of the aforementioned offers some yummy doughnuts — hold on a second — YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE? I just typed the word “yummy.” YUMMY? First time I’ve used the word in my entire life. This has gotten completely out-of-hand.
My daughters are running around the house screaming, asking my wife “Mommy what’s wrong with Daddy?” What’s wrong with Daddy? I’ll tell them what’s wrong with Daddy – Daddy is TICKED OFF he can’t have his favorite doughnuts!
Sure, you’re sitting there laughing at me because either you don’t like doughnuts, you live near a Krispy Kreme and are eating one right now with a big smile on your face or you like doughnuts but don’t like Krispy Kreme. If you fall into the latter category, you have issues I can’t even begin to break down.
I’ve tried therapy – no luck. I checked myself into the Frankie Velucci Doughnut Treatment Center in Mucklerville, Tennessee – a complete disaster. They kicked me out after I snuck out and went to a Krispy Kreme down the street. Who builds a doughnut treatment center two blocks from a Krispy Kreme? I’ve even gone on the famous Spinkler Doughnut Hole Diet. I failed.
Obviously I need help.
I recognize this and I’m prepared to deal with it. My wife – bless her heart – has known about my problem for years but loving and loyal to a fault, she’s never turned her back on me. And after much soul-searching I now know what we need to do, as a family, to remain a family. I need to take the lead, be a man and lead by example so my wife doesn’t lose faith in me and our young daughters can proudly say, “That’s our Daddy and we love him!”
We’re moving to Iowa.
About the Author: Christopher Gabriel is the host of the cleverly named Christopher Gabriel Program on AM 970 WDAY in Fargo, North Dakota. You can hear him weekdays from 9 to Noon. As a writer and humorist, his work has been been published online by the Chicago Sun-Times, Reuters and publications within the Sun-Times News Group.