The Krispy Kreme Dilemma

Krispy KremeI’ve been having doughnut issues lately.  In particular, Krispy Kreme doughnut issues.  I’ve been dreaming about them, daydreaming about them, openly discussing them with complete strangers, drawing pictures of them and plotting out the driving distance to the nearest Krispy Kreme from Minneapolis.  You see it wasn’t that long ago I only had to travel six miles to grab an Original Glazed hot and fresh off the line.  And perhaps I grabbed more than just one . . . perhaps it was more like a half-dozen.  Yes, I admit it:  I’m a Krispy Kreme user of the highest order. 

Now, however, we have a problem.  Krispy Kreme not only moved out of Minneapolis, they moved out of the entire state of Minnesota.  Actually, it was quite a while ago they left . . . without asking me.  So my question to the Big Doughnuts in charge of Krispy Kreme:  Who thought it was ok to pick up, board up and head out in the dark of night without consulting with me, your most loyal Twin Cities customer, first?  I’m waiting, and I’ve got time.  Plenty . . . of time.

I’ve been alternating between rage and desperation for months now.  That’s what happens when I don’t get my fix.  I need my fix.  I’m willing to pay for my fix. 

And to get my fix, I have to travel 258 miles to Clive, Iowa (which sits just west of Des Moines) to indulge in one of mankind’s great culinary joys.  Not 257 miles.  Not 259 miles.  258 miles.

Hot, Original Glazed

I’ve tried other doughnuts but nothing compares.  Nothing satisfies the way Original Glazed from Krispy Kreme does. 

Oh sure, there are some perfectly fine chains out there like Dunkin’ Donuts and Winchell’s not to mention the bakery departments of our area grocery stores.  And each one of the aforementioned offers some yummy doughnuts — hold on a second — YOU SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE?  I just typed the word “yummy.”  YUMMY?  First time I’ve used the word in my entire life.  This has gotten completely out-of-hand.

My daughters are running around the house screaming, asking my wife “Mommy what’s wrong with Daddy?”  What’s wrong with Daddy?  I’ll tell them what’s wrong with Daddy – Daddy is TICKED OFF he can’t have his favorite doughnuts! 

Sure, you’re sitting there laughing at me because either you don’t like doughnuts, you live near a Krispy Kreme and are eating one right now with a big smile on your face or you like doughnuts but don’t like Krispy Kreme.  If you fall into the latter category, you have issues I can’t even begin to break down.

I’ve tried therapy – no luck.  I checked myself into the Frankie Velucci Doughnut Treatment Center in Mucklerville, Tennessee – a complete disaster.  They kicked me out after I snuck out and went to a Krispy Kreme down the street.  Who builds a doughnut treatment center two blocks from a Krispy Kreme?  I’ve even gone on the famous Spinkler Doughnut Hole Diet.  I failed.

Obviously I need help. 

I recognize this and I’m prepared to deal with it.  My wife – bless her heart – has known about my problem for years but loving and loyal to a fault, she’s never turned her back on me.  And after much soul-searching I now know what we need to do, as a family, to remain a family.  I need to take the lead, be a man and lead by example so my wife doesn’t lose faith in me and our young daughters can proudly say, “That’s our Daddy and we love him!”

We’re moving to Iowa.

Filed Under: Christopher Gabrielhumor

About the Author: Christopher Gabriel is the host of the cleverly named Christopher Gabriel Program on AM 970 WDAY in Fargo, North Dakota. You can hear him weekdays from 9 to Noon. As a writer and humorist, his work has been been published online by the Chicago Sun-Times, Reuters and publications within the Sun-Times News Group.

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  1. I hope writing about this unhealthy obsession helps you work through your anger and despair you’ve been carrying with you since the closure of your beloved Krispy Kreme. And always know: I’m here for you. 🙂

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  2. territerri says:

    I think I can help you. You must become a Krispy Kreme employee. Work in one of the stores for a few months. Eat all you can. It will get so that you can’t stand the sight or smell of a donut. Your obsession will be cured and the happy husband and father your family once knew will return.

    (Trust me on this. I spent my junior and senior year of high school working in a bakery. 20 some years later, I can only now on occasion stomach a donut. Oh… and the name of the bakery? I know YOU’LL love this. SO Minnesotan… it was the “Dorothy Ann Bakery.”)

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  3. CGabriel says:

    Wendy, I can never find the proper words to say “thank you” for the many years you’ve stood by me – or sat next to me – as I sucked down dozens of hot ones. You’d eat one, I’d eat four; you’d stop eating, I’d eat four more… Thank you for always being there. 🙂

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  4. CGabriel says:

    The “Dorothy Ann Bakery?” That’s obviously a bakery for those who are…One of Us. 🙂

    In New York City, that same bakery has one of several names:
    – The Antonucci Family Bakery
    – Anthony Fabrizzi’s Pastry Palace
    – Spyros Papinakas’ Greek Delights
    – We Serve It, You Eat It, You Better Like It Sweet Shop

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  5. Damn- knowing you, I know that this post is actually not exaggerated at all. Was it our trip to TN or my trip to MN during which we hit the grand opening of a Krispy Kreme?

    One of the reasons I know my husband is sooooo the perfect guy is that after he gambles at Mohegan Sun, he ALWAYS gets Krispy Kreme for the ride home- one donut if he was successful, and two if he wasn’t. 🙂 I was all over that tradition. I love the creme filled chocolate glazed. Worth the hour and 45 minute drive to the casino!

    Seriously, CG, I can imagine how you are feeling- hang in there.

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  6. CGabriel says:

    I always enjoy when the CEO and Founder of Fancy Pancakes visits Blog Harbor. All I can say about Krispy Kreme is that they’ve hurt me…deeply. As my Uncle Solos from Greece would say in his thick accent, “Christos — who are these people and why they leave? You need me call them?

    I’ve called………no one answers.

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  7. Oh, I feel for you. I remember driving to a nearby town when my daughters were younger and telling the squirming darlings to calm down, all good things come to those who wait and other sage advice, while we waited…and waited…and waited. But it was always worth it, those delicious warm glazed donuts that seemed to melt on our tongues, the sweetness of the…oh wait. I forgot. You’re in major withdrawl. Well, heck. Look on the bright side. Your beautiful wife has publicly agreed to stay with you regardless of your obsession. And, as far as I know, your daughters are still talking to you. You must take a deep breath and…hey! Start a mail order Krispy Kreme store! No, that wouldn’t work. You would never be able to recreate the warm goodness of the delicate flavors as they…oh, sorry. I did it again. The truth is, I must agree with teriteri. I too worked in a donut store and nothing will take care of those cravings quicker than having to be at work at 5:00 am on a Saturday morning and greet grumpy customers. Oh sure, it sounds glamorous, but even a true Krispy Kreme lover like you would be cured. Stay strong.

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  8. erin says:

    Christopher,

    I see that, sadly, you have not overcome your decades of doughnut abuse. It may be time for an intervention. Dr. Drew taking food addicts yet? Maybe we can get a group rate…I’ve been cut off by the Twinkie people.

    Love & Miss you and Wendala

    Erin

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  9. CGabriel says:

    Erin, we thought you were in the Twinkie Protection Program. My goodness, it’s great to know you’re alive!

    Wendala and I are up for the group rate. In fact, we’ll pay. For all of us. We’ll bring the cards, you bring the boards games and we’ll begin each evening after group chat by singing Over the Rainbow together.

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  10. jon buscall says:

    Well, those sure look good in the picture. Here in Sweden we’ve not got anything as quite as exotic as this. Well, bear meat or moose steaks perhaps.

    Now I just have a sugar craving!

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  11. CGabriel says:

    Jon, I’m thrilled to have you pay a visit to Blog Harbor!

    Now, did you say…bear meat or moose steaks? Tell you what my friend, you’d fit in beautifully here in Minnesota. We’re the land of venison, elk…pretty much anything with four legs that moves. For me, eating bear meat or moose steaks qualifies as living on the edge.

    Hey, stop back anytime!

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  12. Mike says:

    As I was reading your blog, my girlfriend, Julia, looked over here and observed me drooling obscenely. I told her that I was reading about one of mankind’s greatest achievements and I would need a moment before I could interact with her further. This is when she told me that she doesn’t like Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

    I’ll tell ya what man… I really thought she was the one. I’m gonna miss her. 🙁

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  13. CGabriel says:

    You know Mike, we need our priorities. Julia seems like a delightful young lady. What a shame she doesn’t understand. And to think she always thought you were referring to her when you said the phrase “Hot One.” 🙂

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  14. lizriz says:

    How funny! I *love* Krispy Kreme, but I avoid donuts like the plague. A fattening, fattening plague.

    But! There is one down the street and last weekend my boyfriend and I went for donuts as a treat because we were sick *and* celebrating getting a new kitty.

    They were yum. 🙂

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  15. CGabriel says:

    Hey lizriz, welcome to Blog Harbor! Quick question for you: When you say “They were yum”…………….you do mean the donuts? 🙂

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  16. Jules says:

    You guys are too funny. Although, Christopher, let me say that during the several months I have known Mike, he has NEVER eaten a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Actually, he has not eaten a doughnut at all that I have personally seen.

    I don’t really eat doughnuts; I’m more of a bagel with peanut butter fan. Although, when I was in college, they did have some amazing blueberry doughnuts at the cafe in the building where most of my classes were located. I know, I know…they aren’t Krispy Kreme…but maybe a distant cousin?

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  17. Gabriella says:

    Humm Krispy Kreme, I don’t think I ever had those, but they seem to be very popular with Americans. You see in Italy we have so many sweets for breakfast that I have been spoiled. It’s nice to see your beautiful wife supports you…lol Nothing like a man that has lost his Krispy Kreme (apparently). But wait come to think of it I like those cinnamon twisty things with that cream dripping off the top. That’s not sold by that outfit is it? humm prolly not!

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  18. CGabriel says:

    Gabriella, I believe you need to try a Krispy Kreme. Now. Preferably an Original Glazed…when it’s hot. You may be spoiled with treats in Italy – and really, who’s arguing that point! – but a Krispy Kreme Original Glazed? They could rule Milan. Certainly Florence. Rome….I’ll get back to you. 🙂

    [Reply]

  19. Karl Olsen says:

    According to my research there are still 8 Krispy Kremes in Minnesota, one in Minneapolis, one in St Paul, and six others to the south of the cities. Look on Krispy Kremes in Minnesota and reviews.

    [Reply]

  20. Jimmy says:

    Everything you wrote from drawing pictures of them, to plotting your drive, to our wives, describes me to a tee. You are not alone.

    [Reply]

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