The Three Minnesota Driving Styles Direct from Hades
Christopher Gabriel | Apr 08, 2009 | Comments 13
Christopher Gabriel, CGabriel.com
I often think it’s me, this uncanny ability I possess that allows me to drive directly behind, or in front of, The Driver Spawned From the Depths of Hades. And for those of you not up on your Greek mythology, Hades was the God of the Underworld, which also went by the same name. Not a bad gig – your name is your town. Not that any mortal wanted to check in to the Hades Hyatt because once you were there, you weren’t allowed to leave. Not that some didn’t try . . . which really annoyed Hades. When you get right down to it, it just wasn’t a very good idea to try and leave. I’m getting off track. Where was I . . .
Right . . . Hades, underworld and the natural progression to Minnesota drivers.
I am now of the belief that a certain segment of Minnesota drivers are mortals who escaped Hades. And by doing so it’s understandable they have a little pent up frustration, angst and general discord that needs a release. This release comes in the form of making the lives of other drivers miserable.
That said, what follows are The Three Minnesota Driving Styles that drive me over the edge (pardon the pun). If you live here you understand. If you don’t be warned well ahead of time. And for some Minnesotans taking umbrage, understand this: I’m not suggesting other areas – I’m thinking New York City, Boston and Chicago – don’t have their driving issues or influences. I’m simply saying for Minnesota, it’s Driving by Hades.
1. I’m Slow and Easy . . . Until You Try and Pass Me
I’m driving on 494, the interstate bypass that goes around the southern and western sides of Minneapolis. In most places, the speed limit is 60. As I’m driving in the right-hand lane, I come upon Slow and Easy Man. He enjoys his drive much the way someone enjoys sitting in the observation car on a train going through the Rockies. His desire is to take in the scenery. And his speed limit as I approach him: No more than 45. As I signal, move into the left lane and attempt to pass, he speeds up. To 80. 494 is now the Daytona 500 and he wants the checkered flag. Badly. Slow and Easy is now a certifiable lunatic bent on taking me down any way possible. When I finally pass him, he slows down . . . to 45.
2. Using My Turn Signal Only When Necessary Helps the Environment
On a busy four-lane street during rush hour, I’m in the left-hand lane sitting at a stop light. One car sits in front of me. The right lane is bumper-to-bumper. The driver in front of me - I can’t see him. Or her. Nor do I see any hands. There is absolutely no sign of life in the car. Apparently, I’ve managed to find the one car in the Twin Cities that has no driver. The light turns green and finally, I see a hand go to the top of the steering wheel. But the car doesn’t move. At all. The cars in the right lane are flowing beautifully. About 30 seconds have passed and the light has now turned yellow. I still haven’t moved one inch because the car in front of me remains motionless. The light has now turned red. Three seconds after the light turns red the car in front of me makes a left turn. Halfway through the turn, the car’s left turn signal goes on.
3. The Left Lane is My Lane
I’m now driving in the right-hand lane on I-94 in the northwest suburbs. I come up behind someone going about 55 so I decide to pass. Thankfully, he’s not the same lunatic from 494. As I go to pass, there’s a car with two pony-tailed young girls, bopping in unison to music, sitting a bit further up in the left lane. They appear to be about 16. This vehicle is also going about 55. 60 seconds pass without the boppers speeding up or moving over. Two minutes and still no change. We’re now beginning to look like the Blue Angels in tight formation at an air show. Finally, I give a courtesy toot. The girls wave. Did they need to wave? No matter. I make a pleasant, disarming gesture with my left hand graciously asking them to slide over so I can get by. They graciously slow down. Coincidence? I’m going to venture a guess and say . . . No. Don’t you tell me these girls didn’t just arrive from Hades. Now, with a line of cars 30-deep behind me in both lanes, the original car I wanted to pass sizes up the situation and speeds up to about 65. He and all 30 or so cars now pass the bopping girls and me. At no point am I able to squeeze in. It’s like we’re on the final lap at the Bristol Motor Speedway. Finally, with no one left in the right lane I move over to pass. Incredibly the boppers move to the right lane at the same time. I go back to the left lane and just as I pull up next to the car, the boppers take an exit ramp.
Mortals are escaping from Hades daily and following the “Minnesota Nice —> This Way!” sign. Can’t someone cross off Minnesota and write Wisconsin?
I know it’s not just Minnesota so tell me, what are your driving pet peeves?
photo credit: 
peske83
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Filed Under: Life • Minneapolis • Minnesota • Society
Ah, I know these drivers well. Here is another one of my favorites: You need to pass “Slow and Easy Man.” Suddenly out of nowhere “Crazed and Rabid Person” appears on your tail. Of course they simply can’t wait the required time that it takes for you to pass said “Slow and Easy Man.” They are foaming at the mouth and want you to get the rabies as well. After you pass “Slow and Easy” (as long as they haven’t turned into the teenage bouncy girls who have pinned you in of course), signaled, and politely pulled over to allow the passage of the devil on your tail, “Crazed and Rabid” cuts in front of you and exits. The fact that they could have nicely pulled into the slow lane half a mile ago and avoided putting other people’s lives in danger never occurred to them. I guess when you’re from Hades AND you have rabies, logic and reason aren’t always in the forefront of your mind. On a side note, I hope that the Krispy Kreme withdrawls are getting easier. Please update us.
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Hi-Larious! And true. And *possibly* only in Minnesota. Head east on 94, and traffic patterns change upon crossing the St. Croix – even by cars with Minn. plates. Thanks for the laughs. I needed that this morning!
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YES!!! Please continue to speak the truth!!
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Jen and TheManInTheYellowHat, thanks so much for stopping by! I am a firm believer in the truth setting us free. I believe it’s time these escapees from Hades understand…we’re on to them. And we’re monitoring their movement.
Jennifer, thank you for your continued Krispy Kreme concern. I’m…dealing with the crisis in the only way I know how: Staring at old, empty dozen-sized boxes from Krispy Kreme, wearing my souvenir paper hats from Krispy Kreme and holding pictures of Original Glazed going down the conveyor belt. It’s through this very difficult treatment I’m discovering the pain is dissipating.
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My pet peeve happens while I’m driving into St. Paul on 94 going west. The speed limit is 55. The general flow of traffic in the left lane is 70. (Who am I to argue? And I like the left lane.) The closer you get to the downtown St. Paul area, the tighter the traffic gets. And there’s always that one person who’s going to move into the left lane in front of me, whether there’s room for him/her or not.
I think there were some Minnesota driving schools at one point who taught the Hades style of driving. My husband must have attended one of them. A while back, he seemed to have forgotten how to use his turn signals. I constantly reminded him that there were impressionable children watching his every move who would soon be new drivers themselves. “You have to set a good example,” I told him. “These kids are learning from you. PLEASE use your turn signals.” His response, while sitting in a left turn lane, waiting for the light to turn green? “I’m not required to signal while I’m IN the turn lane. People KNOW I’m going to turn. Why else would I be here?”
Can you sense my exasperation? I did eventually win the argument, however.
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Beautifully written and very entertaining! I added up all the numbers, combined the digits and found that I’m going to inherit a deer farm in Tasmania. Thank you, Blog Harbour!
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Terri, I fully understand where your husband is coming from. It was just last week, Wendy and I stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank. I turned off the engine and sat in the car. It was clear to the guys working there I was NEXT to the pump and they KNEW I needed gas. Wendy insisted I needed to fill the tank myself. I kept telling her “They KNOW why I’m here…they work here…they’ll be out.”
We sat there for seven hours. I guess she was right.
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Christopher,
This is so true in Ohio as well, but you have to include orange barrels (we grow them here and they peak in mid summer) into the equation. So when you meet Mr. Slow and Easy you have to have the skills of Mario Andretti to survive driving to work in the morning. Fun list, good job! Can’t wait to see what our assignment will be today!
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I laughed hysterically as I read this. True stuff is the funniest stuff. Believe me… we have every single one of the drivers you described down here in Missouri as well.
I see one of my big pet peeves as I make my daily drive into work. My 15-minute route requires me to get onto a highway for no more than about 45 seconds before I exit to my destination. During that short time I’m there, I get unbelievably pissed at the people who try to cut into your lane at the last second so they don’t have to be behind the other traffic. You know the type. The right lane will be full of people getting ready to get off at the next exit. Inevitably, there will be two or three punk kids who feel that they is too good to stay in the right lane with the rest of us. They zip up above everyone else, then try to cut in at the last second, thus, slowing everyone else down. Grr.
But anyway, thanks for posting this. This made my night.
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Very funny! But nothing can beat the craziness that is Philadelphia and neighboring cities of New Jersey drivers!
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operamouth – what a great name! And it’s hard to disagree with your Philly/Jersey drivers. I learned to drive in Philly and the fact I lived to tell about it should have been reason enough to be awarded my driver’s license, test-free.
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Since I know that you are familiar with the culture here in New Mexico, you are aware that those released from Hades and sent here are those that feel that
1. Red lights are a signal to speed up and beat the light
2. That no one should ever speed up or slow down to let anyone in when entering the highway or changing lanes, and
3. Getting totally drunk and driving well over the speed limit going the wrong way down the interstate and killing people should be accepted because of the “cultural” issues.
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Thank you for stopping by Blog Harbor de-I. You are a man of wisdom…what you say is, unfortunately, quite true. I remember friends there ending more than a few discussions with “but the culture here…” as if the culture qualified as a mulligan.
Apparently, someone crossed off Minnesota and actually wrote in New Mexico.
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