Store Check-Out Requires Discipline
Christopher Gabriel | Feb 27, 2010 | Comments 10
I’m probably the exception to the supposed “rule” that emphatically states men don’t like shopping. When it comes to clothes, groceries, items for the home – you name it – I prefer being an active participant. In particular, I’ve always viewed late-night grocery shopping as therapeutic: A simple, relaxing way to end the day.
Some might even call it a road trip that allows you to sleep in your own bed.
Strolling through the many fruits and vegetables available, the wide selection of breads and cheeses, the seafood case evoking images of relaxing on a boat with a cool beverage at the ready… if my favorite store had a little jazz playing on the speakers, I might not leave.
You’re thinking I’m nuts, aren’t you? It’s all in how you approach the experience. All of this is in play when you shop during late night hours.
Earlier in the day, however, is a markedly different experience.
Navigating around aggressive shoppers willing to sacrifice their bodies for the lone bottle of soy sauce on a shelf, you better be ready to play a physical brand of grocery shopping or these folks will eat you for lunch.
But no matter the time you shop, the real test of mettle is when you get to the check-out counter. That’s when the mental side of the game begins. That’s where the professional shopper pulls away from the amateur.
You bring your cart to the very pleasant-looking cashier and either you unload, or he/she unloads it for you. You’re greeted and asked if you found everything you needed. It’s all delightful… and it’s every bit the set-up to Crunch Time.
The next words out of your cashier’s mouth are tantamount to LeBron James driving down the lane… and you have the job of stopping him. You’ve heard some of these:
- Can I interest you in making a donation to the Willard Valley Pancake Breakfast?
- Would you like to open up a Happy Shopper Purchase Card?
- Are you interested in a $100-dollar grocery gift card today?
Grocery store cashiers - also known as Profit Enforcers - are equipped for two jobs in this world: The one they hold at your store and being a field op for the CIA.
Clever, subtle and effective against the vulnerable, unsuspecting amateur shopper, those questions are what you get from the rookie Profit Enforcer. The more seasoned ones dial up the pressure:
- You’d like to donate to my daughter’s college fund, right?
- I’m a little tight this month – how ’bout sliding me a twenty?
- That’s called a tip jar, in case you were wondering.
If you’re not ready for full-scale mental warfare, you better have some extra cash handy. Or your checkbook. And most major credit cards are accepted.
These people are highly-trained professionals. Their job is to take your money… and then take you. Most of us are not equipped to stare down a rookie Profit Enforcer much less a veteran. Recently I stood next to a bank president and watched him get cleaned out by one of the most dominating Profit Enforcers I’ve ever seen. When she was done with him he’d bought her a coffee, tipped her $60 dollars and paid off the senior year of college for her son.
The man left in tears while I stood there, trembling, as she stared me down with her disarming smile and hypnotic eyes saying “Good evening… did you find everything you needed…”
photo credit: Seuss
Filed Under: Christopher Gabriel • humor
Christopher, do you mind if I print this out and give it to my mother? She would like this!
I dont mind shopping at all and enjoy going to the mall’s, so your not the only one. The only thing I believe, is that husbands and wives should not go shopping together. You will stay married longer
If one of us goes grocery shopping, we go alone. There is less arguing that is for sure. When I go shopping for my own stuff, I can spend hours browsing like in a book store and my wife does not like that, so its best I go alone.
The check outs….if you want to have fun with those check out people, do the following. When it comes time to pay, ask them “Do you take federal reserve notes?” They have no idea as to what your talking about. I said that to one checkout gal here at Wal-Mart and I bet she spent a good 5-8 minutes trying to find out from supervisors if Wal-Mart accept federal reserve notes! When the supervisor came down, she asked him “Do we accept federal reserve notes?” His reply was “No, we dont.” I’ll tell you what, you want to see some good reactions, watch their faces when you tell them what a federal reserve note is-CASH!
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Christopher Gabriel Reply:
February 27th, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Andy – you go right ahead. You certainly don’t need my permission.
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As a former “Profit Enforcer”, I’d like to warn you that TPTB will not be happy that you’ve outed them.
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Christopher Gabriel Reply:
February 27th, 2010 at 10:05 pm
They can get in line behind the Canadians and whale lovers.
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Jennifer Reply:
February 27th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
Line’s gettin’ pretty long….
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Those Profit Enforcers not only scan the groceries but at times perform the MORALITY SCAN. In your cart are items without bar codes…is it the 1.99 per # Pablano or the 1.29 jalepano, is it the .79 ciabatta roll or the .49 portugese roll? But the question is, why is the checker asking you what these items are: is it to check your honesty or do they really not know and and now should you take advantage of that and pocket .20? What a dilemna!! Or they ask, do you know how much this item is? You could confidently say, .99 when you know it’s twice that, you could roll the dice and let the Profit Enforcers guess – what to do. Honesty prevails with me but then I also feel assured I won’t choke on that ciabatta roll!
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Christopher I am so fortunate that my husband does most of the shopping. I do not like going into the larger stores but love going into the little markets and mom & pop stores as you will always find some gem you did not expect.
As for the Profit Enforcers I politely tell them no thank you. I have no problem saying no. It comes from being a mom
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Christopher, I empathize. I love to go to the store alone and let it wash over me as I kill time and make selections. I also agree to a certain point with Andy. I prefer to shop without Beloved Spouse. There are various reasons.
First, I can take a list prepared by B. Spouse and be in and out in very short order, acquiring every single item on the list. (If we go together, there is quite a bit more “shopping” which occurs, much to my impatient chagrin.) Second, I don’t have to wonder if I’ve picked the correct item among exact duplicates. B. Spouse insists that whatever item is facing me on the shelf is never the right one. (It must be at least the third one in the row, or the third one down in the stack.) -doesn’t matter if it’s fresh food or canned, the one in front/on top is never good enough to go into the cart.
Third, when alone I’m allowed to stop at the magazine section for awhile if I like, checking out the latest fantasy baseball publication, while my milk gets warm in the cart.
Checkout is a breeze. A stupid smile and a nod is really all you need. “Not today.” is my typical response for appeals for extras.
P.S. Don’t forget “Slings and Arrows.”
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Christopher Gabriel Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Of the many points you made, all of which resonate for me, the one that stands out the most: Efficient shopping. Being efficient… and being thorough. It is not an exercise in aimless wandering, going aisle-to-aisle thinking we might need any number of items we’ve never considered buying before. This happens when… The Daughters Who Already Live to Shop… are with me. Where do they learn this stuff? I honestly believe the doctor puts in a shopping microchip the second the dad loses focus… which begs the question is a dad ever focused when out with his daughters?
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What’s really disarming is when they pop up where you don’t expect them too. Like at Pets-mart. Would you like to donate a dollar toward the U.S. Humane Society? Visions of puppies in dirty and crowded cages, mean and swaggering men walking around breeding mills like some evil guy in a bad Stephen King movie, fill my head.
“Uh, not today…” I utter under my breath. I’ll just go home and give my own pound puppy an extra treat.
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